WRITING

Below, you will find several examples of my comedy writing. The following scripts were written for radio, and they were produced and syndicated nationally by the Premiere Radio Networks.




NEWS HEADLINES


(MUSIC: NEWS THEME UP AND UNDER)

ANNCR:

Here’s today’s headlines on Eyewitness News…
 
-Eight Injured During Injury Contest
 
-Local Man Reveals He’s From Out Of Town
 
-Smoking Gun Down To One Pack A Day
 
-New Poll Shows Most Students Is Unable To Write Most Well
 
-Senate Finally Approves of New Boyfriend
 
-Woman Injured When Moon Hits Her Eye Like A Big A-Pizza Pie
 
-World’s Oldest Monkey Never Hears From His Kids
 
-Hillbilly Car Bomb Still Up On Blocks
 
-President Unveils “Go-Cart One”
 
And...
 
-Millions Are Saddened To Learn Carrot Top Is Still Alive
 
All this and more, more, more...or less, tonight, on Eyewitness News!





ATTACKING ANXIETY SEMINAR


ANNCR:

Do you suffer from anxiety? 

(MUSIC: EXCITING PROMO MUSIC CUTS IN HARD)

ANNCR:

(FEVER PITCH)  Then hurry!  Run!  Or you might miss the first annual “Attacking Anxiety Seminar!” Oh no. Maybe it’s too late. Maybe you missed it.  You fool!  Wait, there’s still time -- but not much! Only two tension filled days are left, filled with counselors yelling and screaming and jumping out of the dark!  Don’t miss it or no one will love you -- ever!  It’s high-strung fun for everyone.  Don’t miss the “Attacking Anxiety Seminar,” this weekend.  Or was it last week?  I’m not sure.  Dear God!  What have I done?  (SCREAMS!!!)

(SFX: FAST FEET / DOOR SLAM / MUSIC OUT)




QUOTE OF THE MONTH CLUB


ANNCR:

Good news.  Now, there’s an easy way to build your vocabulary.  Introducing the Quote of the Month Club.  No, this isn’t a sneaky, mail order scam.  It’s actually quite obvious.  First, you’ll send us lots of cash.  Then, we’ll mail you a little quote like “There’s A Sucker Born Every Minute,” “A Fool And His Money Are Soon Parted,” or my personal favorite, “Stupid Is As Stupid Does.”  It’s really that easy.  So, take it from the vocabulary expert type people, and join the Quote of the Month Club, now.




LAW COMMERCIAL


(MUSIC: SERIOUS, DRAMATIC MUSIC UP AND UNDER)

ANNCR:

Have you been hurt in an accident? If not, then you could be missing out on a huge cash settlement.  Why not let the experienced lawyers of “Craig and Associates” break your legs, then we’ll sue ourselves for negligence. You’ll not only get a huge cash settlement. You’ll save time by having the prosecutor be the defendant, too. Plus, act now and we’ll even give you a free order of buffalo wings. Yes, we’re that desperate for new clients at “Craig and Associates,” where we specialize in personal injuries – to you.




GENERIC ACTION PROMO


(MUSIC: EXCITING, MOVIE TRAILER MUSIC UP AND UNDER)

ANNCR:

In a world gone mad, there was a man -- who did things -- and ran around -- waving his arms or something -- for two hours -- and there was this lady -- and another guy, who was really mean and -- oh, I don’t know.  I don’t even know what the Hell I’m talking about.  I was trying to read a movie promo and got confused and dropped my script, and it’s dark in here, and I can’t find it.  Maybe it’s over here some...

(SFX: MIC THUNK / MIC FALLS OVER)

ANNCR:

Whoa!!!!!

(SFX: BODY FALL)

TAG:

Remember.  Never read in the dark.  It’s bad for your eyes and bad for your career -- as an announcer!  This message brought to you by the National Peepers Council and this radio station.

ANNCR:

Hello? Could somebody turn on the light?




DONATE A CAR


ANNCR:

You’ve already donated your car to charity.  So, how can you help us out again?  Simple.  Donate someone else’s car to charity!  You know, like your neighbor’s vehicle.  Heck, he’s not using it.  It’s just parked in front of his house, doin’ nothin.’  All it takes is a big heart and a big brick through the window, and pretty soon, you’ll feel satisfied in knowing that you’ve given some needy child a car to drive.  So, go ahead.  Donate someone else’s car to charity.  You’ll be glad you did – even though your neighbor isn’t!  This message brought to you by the Children’s Charitable Chop Shop and this radio station.




SMOKEY THE BEAR PSA


(SFX:  CAMPFIRE FX UP AND UNDER)

SMOKEY:  

Campfire’s can be dangerous.

GUY:  

Look honey.  It’s Smokey the Bear.

SMOKEY:  

That’s right.  Campfire’s can be dangerous.

LADY:  

Why?  Because, they’ll burn down the forest.

SMOKEY:  

No . . . Because they attract hungry bears!

(SMOKEY ATTACKS, MAULS CAMPERS, GENERAL MAYHEM)

ANNCR:

Remember.  Never trust a bear wearing pants.  This message brought to you by The National Park Service and Mister Blackwell.




WHO’S GOT THE TASER?


ANNCR:   

Gameshows.  People love ‘em, unless they’re called “Who’s Got the Taser?”

HOST:   

Alright, here’s your first question.  “Who’s got the Taser?”  Me -- or you?

GUY:   

Uh…you?

HOST:   

Awe, I’m sorry -- You’re absolutely right!

(SFX: TASER FX / GUY SCREAMS)

ANNCR:   

Yes, it’s the most stunning half-hour on television – literally.  Don’t miss, “Who’s Got the Taser?”  Airing tonight!




TV PROMO


(MUSIC: EXCITING PROMO MUSIC UP AND UNDER)

ANNCR: 







It’s May Sweeps.  So, we’re rolling out a super cool line up of super cool shows on NBZ.
 
-First, don’t miss “The Abstainer.”  When trouble occurs, he just sits there.
 
-Next, don’t miss “Peter’s Out.” What’s it about?  We don’t know.  We haven’t written the script yet but we have a great title and it’s called “Peter’s Out.”
 
-Then, get ready for the epic disaster mini-series “Glacier.”

GUY:

Lookout!  It’s headed this way… eventually… someday… maybe in a couple of million years.

ANNCR: 


Boy, that’s hot stuff.  It’s like salsa for the eyes, and you can see it all, this May, on NBZ.  Be there.




SUV COMMERCIAL


(MUSIC: EXCITING, CAR COMMERCIAL MUSIC UP AND UNDER)

ANNCR: 

Your enormous SUV.  Is it still too small?  Then prepare yourself for the Fjord Giganto!

MAN: 

(HEAVY REVERB) Giganto!

ANNCR: 

By popular demand, we’ve taken our patented “obnoxiously large” SUV design and made it even bigger.

MAN: 

(HEAVY REVERB) Giganto!

ANNCR: 

So big, it has an echo.  So heavy, it bends light.  Hell, it even has a basement!

MAN: 

(HEAVY REVERB) Giganto!

ANNCR: 

Conserves fuel like a sieve.  Handles curves like a runaway toddler.  Plus, it comes fully equipped with our patented “inertia won’t stoppo” suspension. 

MAN: 

(HEAVY REVERB) Giganto!

ANNCR: 

That’s right.  Why drive to the mountains when you can drive-a-mountain?  Get your Fjord Giganto, today.




A PUBLIC SERVICE ANNOUNCEMENT


GUY:   

Honey.

LADY:   

Yes.

GUY:   

There’s something I have to tell you.

LADY:   

Yes.

GUY:   

Your hair’s on fire.

LADY:   

(OFFENDED) Oh…Is that all you care about? My looks?

GUY:   

Honey.

LADY:   

Nothing about my thoughts or feelings, only my looks?  Is that why you said it?  Is that why you told me?

GUY:   

No.  I told you because I love you…

LADY:   

(TOUCHED) Awe...

GUY:   

And I’m drunk and I’m spittin’ whiskey!

(SFX: SPITS / FLAME BURST /LADY SCREAMS)

ANNCR:  

Remember.  Never spit whiskey at a fire.  The life you save maybe the one you love.  This message brought to you by the National Expectorating Council and this radio station.




TV PROMO #2


(MUSIC: INSPIRING, DRAMATIC MUSIC UP AND UNDER)

ANNCR:  

This fall on ZBS.  A man.  A woman.  A love.  A doubt.  Together, they’re a miracle.  The sum total of star power.  One of them has a secret, maybe two.  The other has a dog and prefers non-smokers.  Boy howdy, the sound of excitement.  Lookie there, the smell of adventure.  Oh no.  The heartbreak of psoriasis.  Don’t miss Mitsy Gaynor and Emmanuelle Lewis  in “The Mitsy Gaynor/Emmanuelle Lewis Story.” Coming this fall on ZBS.  Be there…or somewhere else.  I don’t care.  What am I your mother?